Death, is that you?

It’s 1:20 am in the morning and I can’t sleep.

Why you ask?

Because i fear that if i close my eyes, that might just be the end.

But is it truly the end? When we die do we simply stop to exist or do we go on to become more. Due to my faith i do believe there’s life after death. So this should be easy if it was just dying i feared.

It’s the unknown. The fact that i can never know what is true and what exists. Perhaps i may become something more in the afterlife or that i would simply cease to exists.

That is not where the fear stops. I have never really experienced grief that is so close to home. I mean i have but not in the way that it affected me.

So what do i fear?

I fear that with each day, death knocks and that one day it may take someone i love. And i fear that that might lead me to be the next person it takes.

I think of everyone around me and i think of never hearing their voice.

So i stay here waiting and trying as much as possible to in a way fight the inevitable.

Maybe if i am awake then I wouldn’t lose anyone. I know. There’s no way it works like that. But how do i explain to the voices in my head that i cannot change the inevitable.

It’s irrational to fear that which would happen but perhaps if i am afraid of it then it might move to those who welcome it with outstretched arms.

I do not know how to end this rant as it is not as though i expect you to gain clarity or comfort from it. Perhaps a little bit of comfort if you are as scared as i am. There is no conclusion, no moral lesson or is there?

If i had to chose a moral lesson or like a keep this in your heart as you go on with life- it would be to savor every moment. To record every laughter and the voices. To be gentler with your words and to live as though each day were your last because it just might be.